A Brand New Way to Wipe Your Butt

I just realized that I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

 

But only when I am deep in my  Engaged Bowel Movementa (EBM) at a restroom location which is not my home base. Let me explain.

Between the years of 2004-2006, while I lived as a Person of the Street (POTS), the most important rule of life was:

Whatever someone tells you not to do, do it immediately. This includes all activities.

I also discovered that a person doesn't need to take showers to remain on the living plane. However, if you do find yourself going without a shower for more than 5 months, there is danger.

Especially during the hot months of the year.

The teeth, the feet, and the anus MUST remain clean.

No Matter What.

And so, I began to discover  rituals in public restrooms where I was able to clean all of the above on a regular basis.

"Just wet the toilet paper under the faucet. Make sure the door is locked. You now have a DIY (do it yourself) baby wipe."

I would sometimes use an entire roll of toilet paper for just one wipe. A huge beautiful big wet sponge dripping loosely in my paws. I'll stop there, because I think you get the picture.

For a number of years I had no cell phone.

And that's pretty much the whole story. Now go read a book.

Shout Out to Joyce in the Phillipines!

According to the figures....over 53 of you have actually experienced this page already!

I am so happy, grateful and excited about what we are doing here together!

These were the amazing dancers from HANDELSMAN: the musical's opening reception performance. Valentine's Day. 2015.

 

This piece was sold for $22,000

 

 

That exhibit at Space Mountain was so much fun! But now I have bigger and better things to do.

Like drink some David Lynch Signature Cup Organic Coffee.

OR rock out mad stupid on my cell.

Now that football season is over, I need to get busy.

I can't really talk about that picture. But if you are looking for a great story, I would love to tell you over a nice hot piece of pony loaf.

Bestie. Thanks for stopping by. Follow me on Instagram.

Welcome to the Handelsman Vortex

HANDELSMANUAL: Miami ZINE FAIR UPDATE

IT IS LESS THAN A WEEK AWAY! MIAMI'S COOLEST EVENT!
(see link at bottom for more info. or try to read this lovely content)

Follow me on Instagram. Then I'll follow you.

Dear friends. As some of you know, I have been making money solely from writing blogs for the past 100 years or so.  I have smoked blunts with the Boss and partied like a rock star with Lady Gaga. Google it. I have been working on a blog about Miami's greatest living street artist since Basquiat. I use the blog writing credential to hang out with people who become my Spiritual Advisors.

I received a scholarship from the David Lynch Foundation and began practicing Transcendental Meditation on April 20, 2014. Twice a day for the past year, I have sat for 20 minutes and kabloom.

My mind is where it all happens. You can read the random thoughts of that mind right here on this blog! And you can go to the Miami Zine Fair next Sunday to view a more in depth collection of these nuggets in printed media form. Say hi, Timothy.

This has been the all-time greatest year of my entire life.  I have been so blessed to receive the gift of TM from the only real American filmmaker of all time. I mean, who is a better American filmmaker? Who else meditates with Ringo Starr (while the whole Twin Peaks on Showtime thing is a hoax of some sort)?

Wait! The birth of my first son, Timothy happened last year. That was the greatest thing ever. Cutting his umbilical cord was a hoot! But that should go without saying.

David Lynch Foundation has introduced me to an area of my brain which I had never been aware of before. This is the part of my mind where the demons and angels lie for all to see. This is the place where an ocean of thoughts in my own skull become glowing glow worms and I realize that Jerry Seinfeld is in here somewhere. Jerry? Hello? Do you hear the SEINFELD theme song amidst the chirping pigeons overhead? Can you hear the constant electricity humming through my abdomen?

I will have a zine with a CD containing one of my phone calls with David Lynch (approximately 40 minutes) at the zine fair. The man is a genius, and listening to this CD will change your life. You will reach a new level of creativity/ your highest potential. His speaking voice is like rock music in the John Cage sense. But besides all that, he listened attentively to my soliloquy, and his answers to my questions were so beautiful!

The CD will come with a sample of David Lynch Signature Cup Organic Coffee. Enough beans to brew yourself a nice hot cup of the most deeeeeelicious coffee while listening to the CD. I would recommend having a blue pen and some paper nearby. If you follow the instructions above, you will have that million dollar idea which is so right there. 

"There is an idea in every sip of David Lynch Coffee," said Martin Scorcese (I think).

I will also have copies of Untitled Rough Draft Manuscript of the President's Reality Show # 3, as well as ONE multi colored copy of #1. I love these zines so much, especially since some local artists have tattooed HANDELSMAN art work on their bods. You can get it all at the Miami Zine Fair this Sunday.

But wait, there's more!

There will be surprise guests at my table giving away valuable things.

I will be playing music with my instrument from India.
See you there.

I may also have some Ghost of Dirty CD's. If anyone is interested in those, hit me up.

And I will have the HANDELSMANUAL!!!! YES, IT IS FINALLY done!

http://www.omiami.org/events/2015/4/26/miami-zine-fair